haha I was wrong. She's started saying "no thank you!" when I do something she doesn't like, such as shampooing her hair or refusing to give up my spot in the bed.

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dreamed of kissing someone until I went weak in the knees and couldn’t stand up without bracing myself on them. And also somehow neither of us had lips and it was just us mashing each others’ faces with our mouths that had no beginning and no end, until we were interrupted and I pulled away, still choking on their like, two feet of tongue.

I’m never gonna get tired of my child saying “thank you!”

I was concerned that watching Sabrina right before bed would give me spooky dreams.

I spent the night preoccupied with javascript redirects on landing pages and the vivid sensation of stepping in cold cat barf.

So, yes?

I’m not eating cake for dinner, it’s a “loaf”

you’re fine you’re fine you’re fine

no one has figured out a way to deliver brunch complete with bottomless coffee and someone to do my dishes.

self, that thing on the border between your face and your scalp PROBABLY isn’t cancer but you should DEFINITELY stop picking at it regardless

self, I PROMISE that no one else is thinking about that dumb thing you said while you were drunk at that party in 2004.

When prepping for Burning Man I read something that was like “it becomes a different event. It becomes something you do _with_ your kids, not something you do _even though_ you’ve got your kids there.”

The secret is that all of life as a parent is like that.

my children addresses people she doesn’t know as “people”. as in “hi people!!”

that feeling when that person with the job you want is doing a shitty job teaching a lunch and learn on a subject you’re actually already really good at.

cramps again? exactly four weeks since last time? yes, I’m gonna use social media as a period tracker. deal with it.

Food 

Nothing like cleaning up food in various stages of digestion on a daily basis to ruin all food ever!

My spouse doesn’t understand why I can’t eat brown curry with chunks of veggies anymore and I won’t tell him for fear of ruining it for him too.

I hate packing. I’m always going to bring too many wrong things and no right things.

my orientation is: "not straight, but also kind of tired maybe some other time?"

my gender is: "fuck you, there's no right way to be a woman"

if at first you don't succeed, try another browser.

this ten minute video of a person cutting up bars of soap with a box cutter has six million views

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